Can I learn to let go???

I have been working on this particular post for several days now, trying to put into words what my heart has been feeling. Then tonight, it all made sense...

I snuck out of the house tonight to run a couple of errands (and pretend like I was on vacation alone with no hubby or child). Nothing out of the ordinary. The last stop I made was to get gas. I went to the window at Kroger to pay for the gas and noticed a woman standing there, holding her purse and dressed decently. I asked if she was in line and she said no. As I pumped my gas, I noticed she began wandering around. She wasn't talking to anyone, but seemed to be looking for someone. She had a tired and concerned look in her eyes.

I finished pumping my gas and got in my nice warm car, now filled with gas and pulled away. As I looked back, I felt a tug at my heart. I sat in the drive debating whether or not to go back and ask if she was alright. "What if she robs me?", "what if she's just scamming people?", "what if...?". And then I thought "what if it was me?" who really needed someone to check on me. So I turned around and pulled to where she was. As I rolled down the window and asked if she needed anything, she had tears in her eyes and asked me if I could take her somewhere. I asked her where she was trying to go. She said she didn't know. She was from Kansas and had flown down here to have Thanksgiving with her son. He had told her to take a cab to his house, but when she realized she didn't have enough to make it to his house, she had the cab drop her off at that gas station. So, she had sat there since early this afternoon. Her son had said he was on his way to pick her up at 3...it was now 7. She had called him, but got no answer. She didn't know the area or even have his address. Then only number she had was his cell phone and it was going straight to voicemail. I asked her if there was anything she needed or wanted me to do. She said no and that she would be ok. My heart broke.

I have sat here for over a month in the worst depression I've had since being diagnosed with MS. My life went from nice and comfortable, to uncertain. In a short amount of time I realized that my marraige wasn't going as smooth as I had hoped (the wedding planners don't ever tell you how to make your marraige as beautiful and perfect as your wedding). My husband took a job with better hours and a better future, but in the process we lost almost half of our income. I have been seeing doctors about whether or not it is going to be possible to have another child with my MS. All of these things on top of the holidays/birthdays coming up, and I hit my breaking point. (True, the weight loss has been a plus, but this isn't the way I'd planned on going about it.)

In my last therapy session M. told me to remember the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.


And tonight I realized what this prayer means to me. Here was this woman lost and alone and scared for herself and her son. No where to go and no one around that she knew. And she knew that she would be ok. And here I sit, in my warm home, with my beautiful daughter tucked safely into her bed (ok, she's actually in there laughing at the movie she picked out), my strong husband sitting in the recliner beside me on his computer. My life so very stable and blessed compared to so many others.

I like to have answers and know where (and when) my life is going to end up. I want to know the best path to take, how the traffic looks, is there construction and what is my ETA. I want to know it all...and have it all run smoothly. When in reality, I need to take comfort in the things in my life that are certain and know that everything else will fall into it's place, even if it isn't where I want it to. I had this same realization about 7 years ago, but I easily forget apparently. Life is what it is, and if I can't stop trying to control every moment of it, I'll never be able to enjoy and love it.

So, here are the things I know for certain:

1. I married a man who, no matter what happens, will always take care of his daughter and I (even before he takes care of himself)

2. I have amazing friends who will always be there to encourage and love me out of whatever hole I find myself in.

3. I am blessed with a family who are here to support us and will never let us go without our basic needs.

4. It won't be like this forever

That is what I know for sure. Now, the challenge is to rememeber this everyday. And to figure out how to let go and take life as it happens.

Two weeks down...

Well, within a week after Josh informed me of his feelings, we started marraige counseling. As the first session approached, I was filled with a million thoughts, feelings and expectations. What would she say, would she tell us we were a lost cause, would she say that it was all my fault???

As we sat through our first session, I realized something very simple and unexpected about my husband. It isn't just me that can't get him to answer questions...it's just who he is. We sat there for several hours discussing our lives to that point and what we each believed brought us to the point we were at. By the time all was said and done that night, I felt a sense of relief. And as I should have expected, we got in the car and I asked Josh how he felt...he said he was hungry. But, as the next week passed, things continued to seem better. We were both making a bigger effort to be there and listen to eachother.

One of our assignments that first week was to take a Myers-Briggs test to see what types of personalities we have. And, just like we expected, we were almost exact opposites.

We went back for our second session a week later, results in hand. And as the therapist explained how we were different, we both laughed at how "dead on" she was. He is an introvert while I'm so VERY NOT!! He sees everything as pretty black and white, where I see alot of gray areas. Most of what she said that session revolved around us learning to live with eachother's differences and loving eachother for them...since that is what brought us together in the first place. (Part of what made me fall in love with him was that he was the opposite of every guy I'd ever dated and loved) All in all it was a great session...up until she looked at me and asked me why I looked so scared...

That is when an emotional flood gate in my heart snapped. Every feeling I'd been holding in for months came pouring out at Katrina strength. I told him some things (that looking back) were so very harsh, but they were real. I told him that I felt like our daughter and I could be gone out of his life and he wouldn't be effected, he'd be sad yes, but he'd just pick up and keep going. I told him that I was devistated to think that the reason we may not have another beautiful child would be our relationship and not my health (and that it broke my heart). I told him everything I'd been feeling. And after a 3 hour session, I felt just as lost as I did before going in the first week. I was even more scared now that he knew what I'd been thinking, me not knowing what he was thinking and worst of all, feeling so very vulnerable.

We got home and I sent him to the neighbor's to get Elizabeth and told him I'd put him some dinner in the oven, but I was going to bed. After he got her home and in bed, he came in the bedroom where I was lying in bed, lost, scared, sad and exhausted. I was done. He told me he wanted me to eat dinner (which was the last thing I wanted). And then in the way that only he could, he hugged me and told me he was sorry that he had hurt me so bad. He told me he wasn't planning on going anywhere and that he just wanted us to be better and stonger. He wanted us to be who we were when we fell in love.

It's been almost a week now since that night. It's been a great week. I am not sure what our session this week will bring, but I know that while the pain isn't gone, and more tears will probably be shed, we are moving in the right direction.

For now, I am working on my assignment. Not to worry and let things get to me so much and read too much into everything. And relax and just enjoy life.

5 years after we said I do...

This isn't a story of how my life fell apart one day after some "tragic" event and then in the midst of my pain, all my dreams came true.It is actually just a story about me and the life I live in. In five years of marraige to a wonderful man and after having the most beautiful amazing miracle of a daughter I could have ever prayed for, I am seeing a much different life. We now find ourselves in seperate corners, living seperate day to day lives and still loving eachother. We have lived this way so long now, that I don't even know when or how it started. And had my painfully honest spouse not come forward with the last words I ever wanted to hear; the words that shook me to the core of my existance and pushed my heart to its breaking point..."I don't know if I want to be married anymore." The idea had crossed my mind, I wasn't blind to the distance between us, but never would I have persued my thoughts. So, shortly after the initial blow, we decided TOGETHER to seek some professional help (yep, one more thing to add to an already crazy schedule) And so, this is where our journey re-starts...what happens once one of you doesn't know what they want and the other is so hurt and betrayed they are not sure they can ever trust the other with their heart again. So, I'd like to see how this story ends,but I don't know (and if you know me, you know how hard this is for me) But I do need to release some emotions and thoughts. So, rather than forcing them on all of my wonderful friends, I figured I'd blog...and you can read as you please. Here's hoping this can help me work through the hardest time I've faced in many years. Prayers, thoughts and encouragement are welcome. And I hope that maybe one day someone will read this and realize they, too, were not alone. I cannot and will not offer advice or secrets to healing any marriage/relationships (I am in therapy because I have no idea what I'm doing). I am simply writing about and sharing with you this very personal and scary and emotional journey I seem to have found myself on...

An introduction into my secrets

In the past few weeks I have had a harsh realization....people never tell the whole truth when it comes to matters of the heart. When we become parents, we somehow fail to tell other parents the harsh truths about parenthood. I am not sure if we do this to protect them, or because no one told us and we had to figure it out on our own, so they should have to do the same. Either way, we keep these little indiscretions to ourselves and continue to believe that others view us as perfect families. But it is these little secrets we keep that also isolate us. We convince ourselves that we are the only ones who have issues with our children, spouse, parents, siblings, work, neighbors and thus we should just keep them to ourselves because they are no one else's business. But this blog for me is to put my issues out there in hopes of finding a place where I am not so alone. My intention isn't to gossip, whine or start drama. I really just need a place to express life as I know it...and right now, it isn't so pretty. So, these are the secrets we never share....