Well, within a week after Josh informed me of his feelings, we started marraige counseling. As the first session approached, I was filled with a million thoughts, feelings and expectations. What would she say, would she tell us we were a lost cause, would she say that it was all my fault???
As we sat through our first session, I realized something very simple and unexpected about my husband. It isn't just me that can't get him to answer questions...it's just who he is. We sat there for several hours discussing our lives to that point and what we each believed brought us to the point we were at. By the time all was said and done that night, I felt a sense of relief. And as I should have expected, we got in the car and I asked Josh how he felt...he said he was hungry. But, as the next week passed, things continued to seem better. We were both making a bigger effort to be there and listen to eachother.
One of our assignments that first week was to take a Myers-Briggs test to see what types of personalities we have. And, just like we expected, we were almost exact opposites.
We went back for our second session a week later, results in hand. And as the therapist explained how we were different, we both laughed at how "dead on" she was. He is an introvert while I'm so VERY NOT!! He sees everything as pretty black and white, where I see alot of gray areas. Most of what she said that session revolved around us learning to live with eachother's differences and loving eachother for them...since that is what brought us together in the first place. (Part of what made me fall in love with him was that he was the opposite of every guy I'd ever dated and loved) All in all it was a great session...up until she looked at me and asked me why I looked so scared...
That is when an emotional flood gate in my heart snapped. Every feeling I'd been holding in for months came pouring out at Katrina strength. I told him some things (that looking back) were so very harsh, but they were real. I told him that I felt like our daughter and I could be gone out of his life and he wouldn't be effected, he'd be sad yes, but he'd just pick up and keep going. I told him that I was devistated to think that the reason we may not have another beautiful child would be our relationship and not my health (and that it broke my heart). I told him everything I'd been feeling. And after a 3 hour session, I felt just as lost as I did before going in the first week. I was even more scared now that he knew what I'd been thinking, me not knowing what he was thinking and worst of all, feeling so very vulnerable.
We got home and I sent him to the neighbor's to get Elizabeth and told him I'd put him some dinner in the oven, but I was going to bed. After he got her home and in bed, he came in the bedroom where I was lying in bed, lost, scared, sad and exhausted. I was done. He told me he wanted me to eat dinner (which was the last thing I wanted). And then in the way that only he could, he hugged me and told me he was sorry that he had hurt me so bad. He told me he wasn't planning on going anywhere and that he just wanted us to be better and stonger. He wanted us to be who we were when we fell in love.
It's been almost a week now since that night. It's been a great week. I am not sure what our session this week will bring, but I know that while the pain isn't gone, and more tears will probably be shed, we are moving in the right direction.
For now, I am working on my assignment. Not to worry and let things get to me so much and read too much into everything. And relax and just enjoy life.
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