Can I learn to let go???

I have been working on this particular post for several days now, trying to put into words what my heart has been feeling. Then tonight, it all made sense...

I snuck out of the house tonight to run a couple of errands (and pretend like I was on vacation alone with no hubby or child). Nothing out of the ordinary. The last stop I made was to get gas. I went to the window at Kroger to pay for the gas and noticed a woman standing there, holding her purse and dressed decently. I asked if she was in line and she said no. As I pumped my gas, I noticed she began wandering around. She wasn't talking to anyone, but seemed to be looking for someone. She had a tired and concerned look in her eyes.

I finished pumping my gas and got in my nice warm car, now filled with gas and pulled away. As I looked back, I felt a tug at my heart. I sat in the drive debating whether or not to go back and ask if she was alright. "What if she robs me?", "what if she's just scamming people?", "what if...?". And then I thought "what if it was me?" who really needed someone to check on me. So I turned around and pulled to where she was. As I rolled down the window and asked if she needed anything, she had tears in her eyes and asked me if I could take her somewhere. I asked her where she was trying to go. She said she didn't know. She was from Kansas and had flown down here to have Thanksgiving with her son. He had told her to take a cab to his house, but when she realized she didn't have enough to make it to his house, she had the cab drop her off at that gas station. So, she had sat there since early this afternoon. Her son had said he was on his way to pick her up at 3...it was now 7. She had called him, but got no answer. She didn't know the area or even have his address. Then only number she had was his cell phone and it was going straight to voicemail. I asked her if there was anything she needed or wanted me to do. She said no and that she would be ok. My heart broke.

I have sat here for over a month in the worst depression I've had since being diagnosed with MS. My life went from nice and comfortable, to uncertain. In a short amount of time I realized that my marraige wasn't going as smooth as I had hoped (the wedding planners don't ever tell you how to make your marraige as beautiful and perfect as your wedding). My husband took a job with better hours and a better future, but in the process we lost almost half of our income. I have been seeing doctors about whether or not it is going to be possible to have another child with my MS. All of these things on top of the holidays/birthdays coming up, and I hit my breaking point. (True, the weight loss has been a plus, but this isn't the way I'd planned on going about it.)

In my last therapy session M. told me to remember the serenity prayer.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can; and wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.


And tonight I realized what this prayer means to me. Here was this woman lost and alone and scared for herself and her son. No where to go and no one around that she knew. And she knew that she would be ok. And here I sit, in my warm home, with my beautiful daughter tucked safely into her bed (ok, she's actually in there laughing at the movie she picked out), my strong husband sitting in the recliner beside me on his computer. My life so very stable and blessed compared to so many others.

I like to have answers and know where (and when) my life is going to end up. I want to know the best path to take, how the traffic looks, is there construction and what is my ETA. I want to know it all...and have it all run smoothly. When in reality, I need to take comfort in the things in my life that are certain and know that everything else will fall into it's place, even if it isn't where I want it to. I had this same realization about 7 years ago, but I easily forget apparently. Life is what it is, and if I can't stop trying to control every moment of it, I'll never be able to enjoy and love it.

So, here are the things I know for certain:

1. I married a man who, no matter what happens, will always take care of his daughter and I (even before he takes care of himself)

2. I have amazing friends who will always be there to encourage and love me out of whatever hole I find myself in.

3. I am blessed with a family who are here to support us and will never let us go without our basic needs.

4. It won't be like this forever

That is what I know for sure. Now, the challenge is to rememeber this everyday. And to figure out how to let go and take life as it happens.